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A long winded story minus some detail. Read on and bore yourself at your own risk. 😅 Day to day this business can be so erratic and sporadic. And I’ve had a rough last few months personally outside of the mental gymnastics I’ve been playing at work. Today I woke up out of character and feeling hopeless. And Because I can be a glutton for punishment I decided to torture myself extra by reaching for something that is not and has not ever been for me, despite screaming the opposite narrative at me relentlessly. And that Ended in what I like to call a good ol trick fuck lesson. (Calm down, no clients feelings were hurt or even part of what it is to be trick fuct) 😇 Before I proceed, Let me give you an example of what I mean when I say trick fuck. It references an unusual phenomenon, say an eclipse for example . You may have traveled far and wide to see in the 100% zone. It’s the one you’ve been planning to see for years possibly. And you’ve got allllllll the right tools and nerdy shit to make this the most epic once in a life time experience in the history of ever. Only 5 mins before eclipse time, the clouds roll in unexpectedly and shit on your view in an unforeseen or projected, unfortunate turn of events - you don’t get the experience you came there for. That’s a trick fuck. 🤣 Now Back to my innocuous story. I found myself trick fuct asking myself questions I wasn’t sure I wanted a logical real answer to. And I found my answer(s) unexpectedly right here in this community of freaks that we are all connected through! Answers I could have only believed had I seen w my own eyes. Now without you guys having much context there, let me just say it truly was some serendipitous shit! I could almost literally feel the smoke that had been clouding my mind for months begin to clear. It was an intense learning that I either had to accept, learn and grow from or burn my whole world (metaphorically speaking) to the fucking ground bc The answer I found was not In line with what I wanted to be true. I am not proud to report it took me about an hour of denial before I could sit w myself to face and accept my reckoning. Ok Jos, “cool story” I thought to myself. This one will definitely make the “Hooker Tales” book I write one day, With much more context of course. Stay tuned. 🙃 After a bit of a chuckle Over the irony of the tragedy I then had the space and capacity to put my mind towards the issue that has been plaguing me at work w a clear head. But “Forever Fuct” was all that I could see. I checked my work email determined not to stay at “Forever Fuct” for long. And Behold! I had an email from a client I had been not so nice to on account of them sharing their candid feelings that I hastily, and unapologetically decided were not in line w my boundaries or how I could best serve them as a provider. One negative side effect of hookering for as good and long as I have is - this unwavering Tin heart I’ve developed. Tough as nails, It’s mastered the art of detachment between feelings and sex - two very naturally compatible things. This has In turn prevented me from holding any kind of compassionate space for my clients if/ when these relationships become muddied by feelings. AKA People Just Peopling! There had not been a way I could tell this client to “fuck off” that I had not already tried. Yet he still wants to wave his Majak wand and fix my problems. He continues to show up for me. And today for the first time in a long time I NEEDED someone to give a fuck, to give me hope However undeserving as I may have felt and been. One of the intricacies of this job is feeling like you’re giving so much of yourself to any and everybody. And once in a blue moon you meet someone who reminds you that no matter what you “give” to them, be it attitude or blow jobs of gratitude 😜 they give to you bc you are deserving. Because You are worthy. And those feelings don’t have to fuck up your money either. They can be both a person who cares deeper than a typical client I’m comfortable with, and someone who supports your business, willing to respect and learn your boundaries. Those things are not mutually exclusive. They are happy to help financially bc at the end of the day they care without conditions. They are not trying to manipulate your behavior with money, they are simply wanting to give you the thing that you (us providers) came here for. Today was one of ONE I tell ya! Today I was fortunate enough to undeniably see what it looks like when someone talks the talk vs when they walk the walk w you, and the answer however difficult and bewildering to take in was just the trick fuck I needed to begin the process of actually UnFucking myself. (Sorry, not sorry Fuck is my favorite f word 🤣) Perhaps this post lacking so much in detail wasn’t quite the “Ahhh Ha!” Moment for you as it was for me, but what I found worth sharing most is that sometimes in life we continue to repeat pattern, repeat shitty behavior until we actually learn. Then and only then things align and I can focus on what to tackle next. And Once I got the message it was as if life immediately, condescendingly but with a ton of jest said “ ok I see you learning. And here’s the solution to what’s been really keeping you up at night. Your welcome!” 🤣 It blew me away. The cost of Wisdom does not always come pain free. And the only people I will acquiesce to know the real me, will have proven to earn that position( or burden depending on Who you’re asking 🤣) by saying what they mean and meaning what they say. Word is not always bond. 🙌 And when you find people who’s word IS Bond - do not throw them away. As I get older I’ve learned the power and peace the dependable client has to offer, and It’s much more valuable than anything your favorite, your wealthiest, or “easiest” clients can offer. Anyone else learn anythjng Good this week?! 🫶🏽 Also if you made it to the end …. What is wrong w you 😆 Signing off and sleeping until noon. Xo